So I’m in the full swing of depression. I haven’t felt this low in years. I don’t know if it’s my medicine or if I’m just really this depressed. My stress level is through the roof. I can’t stop thinking about work, and money and my personal life. I feel like I am spiraling out of control. I’m having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm. It’s getting harder to ignore. I went to see the emergency nurse on staff at the therapist office I go to. She said it’s because I went up on the milligrams of my meds, then I had to drop down when I was about to run out, and now I’m back up again. Apparently my brain is trying to “recalibrate” or so the nurse said but she also said that if it gets worse to go to the hospital. I am in a higher category for acting on my thoughts. It’s scary to know how dangerous I am to myself. I need some advice. I need to know what I can do when the thoughts become too much. It’s been two years since I’ve cut or hurt myself and I really want to keep up that good streak.
Trauma Therapy: The journey so far…
I think the hardest part of this therapy is that I have to admit that I was assaulted. When it first happened, I tried to speak out and was called a liar. The guy was a friend of mine and a mutual friend to a majority of my friends. So a lot of people didn’t believe me. At the time, I was on heavy drugs. I feel like that takes away from my credibility. It has taken me a long time to stop caring whether others believed me. I know what happened to me and from what I’ve been learning, that’s all that matters.
My therapist says that to heal and move on, I have to learn to admit what happened to myself, accept my role in the event, and accept that it wasn’t my fault no matter how many times I tell myself it was. And so my latest assignment was to write in detail about the assault. To feel the pain as I write it out, to draw a line when I had to stop because it hurt so much. And then I was supposed to reread it every day afterwards until my next session. The goal is to take some of the power out of what happened. To find stuck points. Now, I have to tell a secret, I haven’t been able to bring myself to reread it. I feel like if I have to reread it every day, that I will shatter all over again. Sometimes this therapy feels more like self torture more than being helpful. I guess that’s the hard part that my therapist warned me about. I just feel a little lost right now. Probably because I out of my meds right now.
I guess that’s all for now, I’m having a bit of writers block these days.
Trauma Therapy: My Impact Statement.
I recently started trauma therapy and my Therapist asked me to write an impact statement on why I believe the rape happened, and then I’m supposed to make a list of stuck points. So here’s my impact statement:
I believe this event happened because of many circumstances. I believe it happened because I was careless with my actions which in return caused my parents to kick me out. Had I not made those certain choices I wouldn’t have needed to find a to stay, The night that the rape happened, I think that I gave him the wrong idea by asking for a place to stay. I think I gave him mixed signal because I’m flirty when I’m fucked up. I also think it happened because I didn’t make things clear enough before I went to sleep. I was high and drunk and all I really cared about was sleeping . I think me getting fucked up was also a factor in the rape. I made myself vulnerable and weak and I may not have been clear enough when I was trying to stop him. Most importantly, I think this rape was caused because I was weak and made bad decisions. My entire life has been thrown off coarse because of my own stupid mistakes.
This is my impact statement. This is how I feel right now. Throughout this therapy, the idea is for my thoughts and feelings on why this happened, my stuck points and how i feel about who’s fault this is to change.
I wish life had captions.
Today has been an interesting day. I think my good ear is stopped up. I can barely hear anything. Is it weird that I’m nervous to tell anyone? I’m just trying to keep it to myself because I’m hoping they just need to pop or if I take some decongestants it will clear up. I’ve wished that everyone had captions for what they were saying all day. I’ve just been kinda going along when people talked to me. Work was so hard, I could barely concentrate because of all the noise around me from us being so busy and having all the ovens and both toasters and microwaves going off. It was intense and I was struggling so hard to keep my speed up during the after church rush. I got through it without slowing things down too much. On the bright side I found $50 dollars in the parking lot and split it with a coworker so that was a plus. Now I’m sitting home, watching Pretty Little Liars and cooking enchiladas for dinner.
At least Netflix has captions, which I am so grateful for because I am hooked on this show.
Things and stuff
So I painted my hearing aid a few weeks ago for many reasons. For one, it has to look fabulous because thats just how I like things, and also, it helps so that people can see it. Usually, when people see it they speak up louder which is nice. Although there are some people that see it and think I can magically hear perfect. I only where one hearing aid for the ear that I have hearing in.
In other news, I went to the hospital yesterday. I have Endometriosis, and apparently I have a cyst the size of a golf ball on my ovary. I was throwing up and falling down and felt like my insides where on fire. Sometimes I feel like I cant win. I’m a bipolar, hard of hearing epileptic with other health problems. I try to make the best of it all, but sometimes it makes me really depressed. I think that it will get better in the long run. I just get a little worn down these days when all of it flares up at once. I’ve thought about doing stand up comedy about all of it. I know when I make jokes about it, it makes me feel better.
In other OTHER news, my best friend is finally back from her vacation which makes me super happy. I have missed her so much. I can’t believe that I have a female best friend sometimes. After me and my old best friend of 6 years broke ties, I figured I’d never be really close with any other female. It’s nice to have someone to do girly stuff with. We sit around, watching netflix, going out shopping, and any other random things we think to do.
Anywho, we are currently watching Netflix so I think I’m gonna wrap this up. Until next time 🙂
Wine and dine
Today was the longest day at work I have had in months. This day was just long in general. I was 30 minutes late to work which NEVER happens. Then, after being dead all night, we get slammed an hour before close. On the bright side of things, I was able to have a 20 minute conversation with a woman in ASL today and even though my signing is still really terrible, she said she could pretty much understand most of what I was saying. And another great thing is that I am home now, with a bottle of wine, and I am off tomorrow which made this entire day seem better than it was. Tomorrow I am hopefully going to see the cutest baby and one of my best friends. Hopefully.
Other than that, this day has dragged and flown by all at the same time and I’m glad its over.
Hard of Hearing
I’ve struggled with my hearing loss over the past few years. It has progressively gotten worse over time. I was born completely deaf in my left ear, and as of now, I have barely 50 percent hearing left in my right. And, as I’ve said, its been very hard. I struggle to keep up with simple conversation lately. I usually end up asking someone closer to me to repeat what others are saying. I’m currently re-learning sign language and I have to admit it’s pretty hard to learn at this age and I feel like kicking myself for not sticking to it when I was younger. Being the only deafie in the family, it was hard to stick with it when I was the only one learning and using it. Anyways, I guess I am just going to have to work twice as hard at this as I do everything else.
There are perks to having such substantial hearing loss. I live in a very quiet world. All I have to do to focus is take my hearing aid out. I can read lips from across the room which can be pretty hilarious most of the time. And even though I’m learning still, soon I will be able to speak one of the most beautiful languages on the planet.
There are also cons. Being called disabled when you consider yourself to be perfectly normal. Being judged and people getting irritated because you can’t hear them. Always having to use all your energy to follow conversations. Needing captions to watch pretty much anything.
I guess it could be worse. Its just lately, at work, I’m having a hard time keeping up and as my hearing is getting worse, so is my ability to keep up my speed. I have people make snide comments towards me. I even had a woman tell me that they “shouldn’t hire people like me”. And while I have heard these comments most of my life, it still hurts me. When my coworkers think its funny to nickname me “deafkid” it hurts. Because I AM going deaf. And it’s not fun. But they are hearing so they don’t get that it hurts me and since I laugh it off and go along with it, they think its okay. That is my fault for not saying anything. So I guess its time to step up and say something.
Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
I used to write so much. I had a former blog on wordpress for a while when I was younger. I cant remember what it was called or the login info or anything to it which makes me kinda sad sometimes because I used to write on it like it was part of my religion. My plan is to start writing like that again. Write as much as possible in my free time even when I don’t have much to say. It helps with the mood swings. Helps me keep track of the mood swings. The ultimate goal is to better my knowledge of myself as a person. I’m twenty-two years old and some days I feel like I know myself perfectly and other times I am a stranger in my own skin. New things are about to start happening for me that will help me in this journey. I’m in individual, group, and trauma therapy. I’m on meds that I take every day. And now I am trying to do whatever I can on my own to help keep me in this stable mindset. Writing is the first of many steps I plan to take. I’m excited and scared to go through this, to start coping with the things that sent me spiraling into this pit of being lost. At least I am not going at it alone. I have my amazing, wonderful boyfriend who supports and pushes me to not only continue getting help, but to also continue bettering myself as a person. I have my family who I may not be as close to them as I should be, always supports me and is there for me. I have my friends, while they may be just a handful of them to count, they are a huge part of my support group throughout everything. And I have myself. I’m not quite sure who that is just yet, but I’m getting there. And lastly, I have my therapist, who has been there since the beginning of this turn of events six years ago. All this wrapped up together makes me feel so lucky.
I guess I will leave this for now. I promise not to wait too long before I write again.
Much love,
Hali
The Ballad of Love and Hate 