I think the hardest part of this therapy is that I have to admit that I was assaulted. When it first happened, I tried to speak out and was called a liar. The guy was a friend of mine and a mutual friend to a majority of my friends. So a lot of people didn’t believe me. At the time, I was on heavy drugs. I feel like that takes away from my credibility. It has taken me a long time to stop caring whether others believed me. I know what happened to me and from what I’ve been learning, that’s all that matters.
My therapist says that to heal and move on, I have to learn to admit what happened to myself, accept my role in the event, and accept that it wasn’t my fault no matter how many times I tell myself it was. And so my latest assignment was to write in detail about the assault. To feel the pain as I write it out, to draw a line when I had to stop because it hurt so much. And then I was supposed to reread it every day afterwards until my next session. The goal is to take some of the power out of what happened. To find stuck points. Now, I have to tell a secret, I haven’t been able to bring myself to reread it. I feel like if I have to reread it every day, that I will shatter all over again. Sometimes this therapy feels more like self torture more than being helpful. I guess that’s the hard part that my therapist warned me about. I just feel a little lost right now. Probably because I out of my meds right now.
I guess that’s all for now, I’m having a bit of writers block these days.